


You're My Number One Single

by magiquemalec (Lliaq)



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Attempt at Humor, Bad Pick-Up Lines, Bars, Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-18
Updated: 2018-09-18
Packaged: 2019-07-14 00:15:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,743
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16029002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lliaq/pseuds/magiquemalec
Summary: Magnus decides to win over the new bartender. One horrible pick-up line at a time.





	You're My Number One Single

**Author's Note:**

> I needed a break from all the angst in my wip, so this is my attempt at writing something more light-hearted.  
> Fair warning, half of it was written while I was half-delirious from period cramps, and the other half at 3 am, so don't expect too much.  
> All credit for the pick-up lines goes to the reddit thread that I shamelessly stole them from, and that sparked this idea in the first place

**[](https://imgur.com/mpsOzze) **

 

**I.**

"Are you a flight of stairs? Because you take my breath away."  
The bartender looks at him, face blank.  
"Really?"  
Okay, maybe that hadn't been his best one. Magnus flashes his tested and tried _Nobody can resist me_ smile at the gorgeous man.  
"I'm sorry, I'm afraid my brain frazzled out a bit when I saw you."  
The only response he gets is a twitching eyebrow. Okay, okay, he's just going to have to try harder. He props his elbows on the bar and leans closer.  
"What I actually wanted to say was-" he pauses for dramatic effect, ignoring the brief flash of disappointment when the man's face remains stoically expressionless. "Did we go to school together?" Tall, dark and handsome frowns - the most emotion Magnus has ever seen him show since he started working at the Hunter's Moon two weeks ago. It's just not the kind of emotion Magnus is after.  
"No, I don' think so." the bartender says, returning to his resting _I'm a robot and do not have feelings_ face.  
"Damn, I thought we had chemistry." Magnus sighs dramatically. There's a brief eye roll, and then the bartender asks for his order.  
Magnus gets his martini, dry, and stays at the bar. A plan is already forming in his mind, and once he's set his sights on something - or _someone_ -, he can be frustratingly stubborn - as Ragnor likes to tell him. But it's been a while since he looked at someone and felt that rush, the flutter of possibility, of things that _could_ be.

**II.**

"So, I think we got off on the wrong foot." Magnus says, casually leaning against the bar.  
Tall, dark and handsome glances at him briefly, before returning to the drink he's mixing. Still with the stoic act then. No problem, Magnus does love a challenge.  
"What's your name?" He half expects to just be ignored, making it all the more exciting when he actually gets an answer.  
"Alec." It's short and clipped, but it's a small win. Now he can finally put a name to the pretty face.  
"Short for Alexander, I presume?"  
Alec - _Alexander_ \- grunts in what Magnus supposes is agreement.  
"Oh, that's funny, that's my husbands name."  
Alexander looks up, and oh, he's definitely judging him.  
"Well, we aren't married yet." Magnus rushes out, trying to get to the end of this before Alec gets stuck with a permanently bad impression. Then again - that ship may have already sailed. It's hard to tell with someone who keeps a tight lid on their emotions the way Alec does.  
"In fact, we just met."  
He waits, surprisingly anxious, for a reaction. Alec gives him an unreadable look and turns away, walking to the other end of the bar. Magnus lets out a quiet sigh. That didn't go as well as he'd hoped.

**III.**

"Titanic." Magnus blurts out. Crap. He wanted to save that one for another time, but now it's too late.  
"What?" Alec sets down the cosmopolitan Magnus had ordered with a quizzical expression.  
"Sorry, that's a bad icebreaker. What's up?" He can turn this around. It's not what he'd planned for today, but he's _Magnus Bane_ , he can improvise.  
"Does that ever work?" Alec asks with that dreadful monotone voice he seems to favor.  
"The Titanic? Godness, no!" Magnus clutches at his heart in an overly dramatic fashion, earning himself a skeptical eyebrow raise. "It sank on it's first voyage. Hit an iceberg, actually. A real tragedy." Did he imagine that or did Alec's lip just twitch? Was that a _smile_?  
Magnus feels giddy at the prospect of finally cracking the eternally stoic facade. Emboldened by the near success, he presses on.  
"You know, we should re-enact it. You can be the iceberg," he gestures at Alec's tall form with his glass in hand, then points at himself, "I'll be the ship and go down." There's a beat of awkward of silence - oh god, he blew it, didn't he? - that gets broken when someone calls "Hey, can I get a beer over here? Jesus-".  
But just before Alec turns away, Magnus sees it. The corner of his mouth twitches up again, the barest hint of a smile. Outwardly, he keeps his cool, but on the inside he feels like a kid on Christmas day.

**IV.**

"Are you trash? Because I'd like to take you out."  
Hazel eyes bore into him.  
"Flattering." Alec says flatly - and yeah, okay, maybe he has a point. Magnus offers him an apologetic smile, but Alec averts his gaze and goes back to making Magnus' order.  
"Wait, let me try again." Alec pauses and looks up at him.  
"Are you my appendix? Because I don't know how you work, but my gut is telling me to take you out."  
Alec snorts, an action that seems to surprise him more than Magnus, if his wide eyes are anything to go by. He schools his features back into an emotionless mask, but there's a barely detectable amused lilt to his voice when he says, "I don't know how you did it, but you made it even worse. Here's your mojito."  
And then he's gone, serving another patron, and Magnus is left to celebrate yet another small win.

**V.**

"If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put my dick in your mouth."  
Alec's unimpressed gaze flicks to the empty glass Magnus is waving around.  
"That doesn't even make sense. And you're drunk."  
"I'm not drunk!" Magnus exclaims, slamming the glass down on the bar top and gesturing at it, hoping that Alec will take the hint. With a sigh that sounds way too world weary for someone so young, Alec refills his glass, before walking off.  
He yells "Was your ass forged by Sauron? Because it's precious!" after Alec's retreating form, earning himself annoyed glares from other people nearby. Okay, maybe he's a _little_ drunk. Really, barely more than tipsy, he can handle his liquor. He doesn't get a response from Alec though, so he takes his drink and slinks back to the booth where Ragnor and Catarina wait for him. Their expressions already tell him he's not going to live this one down for a while.

**VIII.**

"Can I get a piece of paper and a pen?"  
Alec looks at him suspiciously, which- okay, he can't really fault him for. It's the first time he hasn't started a conversation with a terrible pick-up line. Or so Alec thinks.  
"Uh, sure, hold on." Alec scurries off and returns less than a minute later with a pen and a napkin.  
"Thank you, darling." Magnus says, trying not to cackle at Alec's expression - somewhere between suspicious and confused. He draws a straight line on the napkin and then waits for Alec to come back around, impatiently clicking the pen. It's a busy night, so he has to wait a while, but eventually Alec finds his way back to Magnus' side of the bar. He waves at him to get his attention and slides the napkin over the counter when Alec's finally standing in front of him.  
"Do you know what this is?" he asks.  
Alec tilts his head just slightly, staring at the napkin with his brows furrowed in thought - and that really shouldn't be as endearing as it is.  
After a few seconds he shakes his head.  
"I don't know. A line?"  
"A _pick-up line_." Magnus clarifies with a dazzling smile that is met with Alec's signature stoic expression.  
"You can do better than that." Magnus has to take a moment to process. Of all the answers he'd expected - including being completely ignored or being asked to leave -, that one hadn't been it. With a slightly exaggerated sigh, he takes the napkin back and proceeds to rip it up, keeping his eyes on Alec as he says in his most serious voice, "You're right. That pick-up line was absolutely _tearable._ "  
Alec rolls his eyes, but his lips twitch, betraying his facade, before he returns to his neutral state.  
"Did you actually want to order something or are you just wasting my time?" He can't say why, because everything from his expression to his voice is the same as always - stoic, even, contained, but for some reason Magnus feels like Alec's asking something _more_. Then again, Magnus has a tendency to read too much into things. He orders a whiskey on the rocks.

**X.**

"Hey, your tag is hanging out."  
Magnus watches with an amused smile as Alec's hand flies up to the back of his shirt. "And it says made in heaven."  
Alec freezes, hand still at his neck, and narrows his eyes at him.  
"You're impossible." Magnus grins, unbothered by Alec's glare. He's learned over the last few weeks that Alec glares at everyone and everything - and yet rarely seems to mean it. Despite his outwardly permanent annoyance, he's friendly, or at least polite, to pretty much everyone and he never looses his cool. It's fascinating.

Alec lowers his hand and grabs an empty glass. Magnus gets distracted by a text from Ragnor, complaining about his writer's block, as usual. He rolls his eyes and types out a reply. He only looks up from his phone when Alec sets a drink down in front of him.  
He tries to hide his surprise, but he can feel his eyebrows rising on their own volition. "I didn't order yet."  
Alec looks at him as if he thinks Magnus is being dense.  
The audacity.  
"Martini Mondays, right?"  
Well. Maybe he can be a little dense. _Sometimes_.  
"I didn't think you'd remembered." he says, still somewhat puzzled by the strange turn of events Alec just gives him another one of those long, unreadable looks and turns around, grabbing a bottle from the shelf. Magnus can barely hear him mutter "Of course I remember." and he doesn't really know what to make of that either.

**XIII.**

"Do you see my friend over there? He wanted me to come over and ask you if you think I'm hot."  
Magnus vaguely gestures in the direction of where he knows Raphael is sitting with a permanent scowl on his face. Alec cranes his neck, trying to spot him, and raises an eyebrow when he does.  
"Are you sure? He doesn't look like he cares that I think you're hot."  
The words come out and then Alec's eyes go almost comically wide, a blush spreading over his cheeks. Magnus props his elbows on the bar top and leans closer, grin almost maniacal. Things just got a lot more interesting.  
"So, you think I'm hot?" Alec splutters something, face going even redder, and practically shoves the mimosa into Magnus' hand before disappearing into the staff room. Magnus looks at the closed door with a satisfied smile and sips his drink. That went a lot better than he'd expected.

**XV.**

"Did you know I'm a lot like a Rubix Cube? The more you play with me, the harder I get."  
Alec grimaces and shakes his head.  
"That was a bad one."  
"Okay- okay, how about this one then-" Magnus says quickly, before Alec can run off again. He's been a little skittish since his, evidently accidental, confession. "The word of the day is legs. Let's go back to your place and spread the word." He winks at Alec, who goes a lovely shade of red, even as he rolls his eyes and says "No.".  
Magnus drums his fingers on the bar top, thinking. "Tough crowd tonight, hm? Don't you worry, I'll think of something good before the night is over."  
He drains the rest of his martini and slides the glass over. "Another one?"

**XVI.**

"Did you know I can read palms?" Magnus says conversationally, an easy smile on his lips.  
"Why am I not surprised?" Alec sighs.  
"Would you let me read yours?"  
Alec's eyes narrow in suspicion.  
"Is that code for something?"  
Magnus can't help it - he bursts out laughing and it takes him a good minute to calm down. Wiping a tear from his eyes, he refocuses on Alec, who looks adorably lost.  
"No, no hidden meaning. Just a good old palm reading."  
Alec hesitates, glancing around - but there's no one else that needs his attention at the moment. Magnus waited for things to slow down a bit, specifically for that reason.   
He steps closer almost reluctantly.  
"Sure, I guess." he says hesitantly, holding his hand out. Magnus takes it, realizing with a jolt that this is the first time they're touching.  
Alec's hand is big and warm, callouses marring his skin. There's a faint, silvery scar running down the side of his thumb. Magnus traces it almost reverently, before remembering what he's supposed to be doing. He glances at Alec, who looks a little dazed, staring at their hands. Returning his gaze to Alec's hand, he lowers his head, inspecting the intricate web of lines. He takes his time, following each individual line with his eyes first, then his index finger and maybe he gets a little lost, hyperfocused on every detail, until Alec clears his throat.  
Magnus snaps out his trance. "Well, this is interesting..." he says, pretending to study the lines again while he's rally glancing up at Alec surreptitiously every few seconds.  
"What is?" Alec asks, shifting his weight. Magnus hums loudly.  
"Your palm is saying..." he pauses, letting the words linger, and enjoys Alec's mounting impatience. Finally, when he feels he's let him stew for long enough, he lifts his head and grins widely.  
"That it belongs on my butt."  
Alec's jaw actually drops.  
"You're- oh my god, you're the worst."  
He pulls his hand back and part of Magnus mourns the loss of contact, but the rest of him is too busy choking on his laughter to get upset about it.  
"Fucking unbelievable." Alec mutters, causing Magnus to laugh even harder. Oh god, he's dying. He's going to die because he's laughed himself to death over a horrible pick-up line. That's not how ever saw himself go out, but then again, life rarely goes according to plan.

**XVII.**

"How do you like sex?" Magnus asks casually when Alec walks by.  
It's almost closing time and it's just them, one guy further down at the bar, and the other bartender somewhere in the back.  
"With you." Alec says absently, then stops dead in his tracks when he realizes what he's said, slowly turning to face Magnus with a look of absolute horror on his face. It's hilarious, but Magnus holds back his laughter. It seems that Alec's already feeling embarrassed enough.  
"I didn't- I mean, not that you're not- but it's not like that- you're great, I mean, fuck-" Even his ears are flaming red by the time Alec stops, pressing his lips and eyes shut. Magnus quirks an eyebrow and decides to take pity. Kind of.  
"You remind me of my pinkie toe, because I'm gonna bang you on the edge of my coffee table tonight."  
Alec's eyes fly open, the look of horror slowly replaced by incredulousness.  
" _Really_?" he asks, hands flailing. Magnus winks at him and smirks.  
"If I was a watermelon, would you spit or swallow my seed?"  
That finally does it. Alec bursts out laughing, head thrown back and eyes crinkling. The sound washes over Magnus, warm and open, and he thinks he might be in love.

**XX.**

"Are you on Spotify? Because you're my number one single."   
Magnus twirls the stem of the glass between his fingers, frowning. Alec looks _disappointed_.  
"That was weak." Alec comments, and then he's off to the other end of the bar.  
"Weak.." Magnus mutters.   
Truth be told, he's afraid he's going to run out of lines at some point. He needs to save the best ones for the perfect moments. Or get Alec to actually go on a date with him before he runs out.

"You know I'd totally take you to the movies, but I'm afraid they don't allow snacks inside." he says when Alec passes by again, receiving only a headshake in response. Damn.

"Are you a parking ticket? Because you've got fine written all over you."  
Alec stops pouring vodka into a glass and frowns at him.  
"Are you okay?"  
Magnus smiles, but he doesn't need a mirror to know it's weak.  
"Of course, darling."  
Alec's frown deepens, but he doesn't say anything further and leaves him be.

**XXI.**

"Hey." he greets Alec.  
Alec tilts his head, scrutinizing him for a moment.  
"Hey."  
He lingers, obviously waiting for the customary pick-up line, but Magnus isn't feeling it. Maybe he's getting sick. He orders a whiskey on the rocks and watches Alec prepare it silently.  
Fuck it.  
"So, I have a problem. And I could use some advice." he says slowly when Alec hands him the drink.  
"Okay?" Alec says, sounding bemused. He looks around to make sure he's not needed elsewhere, before leaning against the counter. Magnus gulps down a good portion of his whiskey under Alec's watchful gaze. He shouldn't be this nervous. Why is he this nervous?  
He takes a deep breath and meets Alec's eyes.  
"Let's say there's this really handsome man that I've met. And I really want to ask him out. Do you think I should just go and talk to him or is that too direct?" Something flits over Alec's face, gone too fast for Magnus to decipher.  
"Well-" Alec licks his lips, hands absently fiddling with the hem of his sleeve, "I think if you're interested you should just go for it. What's the worst that could happen? He says no?"  
Exactly.  
Magnus is pretty sure he's already in too deep to handle rejection well. But he's going to see this through. He holds his hand out, and Alec takes it after a beat, looking confused.  
"Hi. I'm Magnus. I don't think we've been formally introduced."  
Alec's eyes go wide and his mouth forms a silent "oh". He stammers out his own name, even though Magnus already knows it, and something about needing to get back to work, but most of it goes right over Magnus' head because he's too busy staring at Alec's smile.  
Sue him, it's a pretty great smile.

**XXII.**

"I don't want to use a stupid pick-up line on you, but I'd appreciate it if you used one on me." is his opener for the night and it seems to throw Alec off enough for him to almost drop the half finished margarita he's making. Lips twitching into a smile, Magnus watches him.   
He can practically see the gears in Alec's head turning and decides to wait. He's actually curious what Alec's going to come up with.   
But he doesn't get his answer until the end of Alec's shift.

Alec walks out of the staff room, apron gone, and stops right in front of Magnus. From this angle he looks even taller and Magnus can't help it - he lets his eyes wander up slowly, drinking in every inch of glorious-  
"I hear you like cats. Mine would like to meet you, if you'd like to come with me."   
Magnus snaps his eyes up from where they'd been lingering on Alec's biceps.  
"You have a cat?" is the first thing he blurts out and- oh god _why_. He wants to bang his head against the bar. Real smooth.  
Alec smiles nervously, cheeks flushed, and rubs at the back of his neck.  
"Uh- yeah. But that's not what I- would you- do you want to-?"  
"God, yes!"

**XXV.**

"On a scale of 1 to America, how free are you tonight?"  
"Seriously?"  
Alec shakes his head, handing a beer to the man next to Magnus.  
"You know you don't have to do that anymore, right?"  
Magnus only shrugs and smiles.  
"It's fun."

**XXIX**

"Can you hold something for me?"  
Alec glances at him, half of his face illuminated by a streetlight as they come to a stop.  
"Sure, what?"  
Magnus grins.  
"My hand."  
"Magnus, I'm already holding your hand." Alec looks pointedly at their joined hands.  
"You're not holding my other hand." Magnus holds said hand up to illustrate his point.  
Alec rolls his eyes. "Oh for the love of-"

**XXXIV.**

"Hey do you live on a farm? Because you sure know how to raise a cock."  
Alec stops unbuttoning his shirt and levels him with a flat stare.  
"Really? _Now_?"  
Magnus shrugs and looks up at Alec from where he's sprawled on the bed.  
"You know you love it."  
Alec closes his eyes for a moment. When he opens them again there's an almost desperate look in them.  
"Magnus, you need to stop."  
Magnus grins widely and reaches out, pulling at Alec's hand until he's on top of Magnus.  
"Never."

**XL.**

"If you were a fruit you'd be a fine-apple."  
Alec snorts, plucking the apple out of Magnus' hand and putting it on his chopping board. "That was weak and you know it."  
Magnus sighs.  
"You're right. I'm afraid I'm losing my edge."  
Alec eyes him from the other side of the kitchen island.  
"You could always just stop, you know?"  
Magnus grins devilishly and throws a handful of flour at Alec.  
"Now where would be the fun in that?"

**LXX.**

"On a scale of 1 to 10 you're a 9 ... because I'm the 1 you need."  
Magnus waits with bated breath, as the doubts start flooding in. Maybe this was a horrible idea-  
"I can't believe you're proposing to me with a pick-up line."  
Oh god oh god he messed up fuck-  
"I can't believe I'm saying yes." -what?

Magnus stares at Alec, hope blooming in his chest.  
"Did you say yes?"  
Alec gives him that same look he gave him when he remembered his martini order two years ago.  
"Of course I said yes. I love you."

**C.**

"Hey, tie your shoes. I don' want you falling for anyone else."  
A confused murmur goes through the crowd, but Magnus barely hears it, all his attention on Alec.  
Alec, who looks stunning in the fitted, black suit. Alec, who has that fond smile on his face, the one reserved solely for Magnus. Alec, who's going to be his husband any minute now. Alec, who bursts out laughing.  
"I don't think you have to worry about that." he says between two hiccups, wiping tears from his eyes. Then, more seriously, he says, "You never did. It's always been you. Only you."  
Magnus thinks he's crying too, but for a totally different reason.  
"Thank god, because that was my last line."


End file.
